Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Who Am I? - keeping it real and discovering yourself

Rule #3 is....Socrates said, "Know thyself." Marty says, "If you're not the real you, when the real you emerges, the deal is blown."

As a single, you make the decisions that affect everything you do - where and when you eat, what movie to see, what time, who you choose to be friendly with, where and when to vacation. Those choices are made by you with your own tastes, schedule and desires in mind. However, as part of a couple, if you want to keep the peace, you very often have to defer to the wants and needs of your partner.

Keep it real

When singles fill out a dating profile form, many people distort or tweak the truth. They think, "I'll write what the opposite sex wants to hear rather than desplay the real me. Besides, everyone else does it." As I mentioned above, when the real you is exposed, the deal is blown! So why waste your time as well as the time of those who you meet, interview and possibly date? "So you love to play golf and tennis?" Let's go to my club this weekend. They have a couples golf and tennis outing." Outing is the operative word. You're outed and you've wasted everybody's time. If as many men really loved to walk on the beach at midnight as say they do, the police would need to set up crowd control lines.

People lie about their age, the age of the photo they submit, their height, weight and marital status. Please, please, please - tell the truth! Be honest, candid and funny. It will be better for you in the long run.

Discover yourself

Most of us are creatures of habit. We have living patterns. We usually wake at the same time, prefer to eat the same things, and eat those meals at the same time, watch the same TV shows, dress the same way, associate with the same people, live in the same house, town, area, or state without ever thinking about redecorating or even moving. We keep the same job in the same pigeonbole cubicle, drive the same car, wear the same watch, all the while admiring others who "do" or "change" things.

I'm not talking about winning the lottery and being able to afford to make major changes. Start slowly. Rule #4 is .... Change your way of thinking. Try to think outside the box. Try to change something everyday. Wake up a few minutes earlier, lie down on the floor and stretch for a few minutes. Change the cereal you have had for breakfast since childhood. Go to the library or get on the Internet and investigate new places to travel to on your vacation. What interests you?

You must have some curiosity about something. Look into it. The rewards of learning can be mind-blowing. You get the idea. Rule #5 is .....Coustantly think about change. Drink Coke? Try Pepso. You'll be amazed at how interesting you'll become by experimenting with new things. You'll actually start a love affair with yourself. C'mon, start walking. It's great exercise, you'll lose weight and you'll learn more about what's going on in your neighborhood. Ask a person you've always admired to lunch, take flying lessons, go whitewater rafting. Any hot air balloon rides nearby? Check your local paper for upcoming club meetings, then try one. You may like it. You certainly will meet new people. Repaint one wall in your home your favorite color Cancel magazines you really don't read or subscribe to The Week and you can get rid of most of them. Call or visit a family member or an old friend or acquaintance you like, but haven't called in a while. Rule #6 is .....Do the Jumble in the morning paper and watch Jeopardy at night. You'll expand your mind and may just fight off Alzheimer's.

Rule #7 is....Learn new jokes. Tell them right away, even if it's just to your mirror, and they'll be stored in your mind's joke library for future recall when someone reminds you of the subject matter. Once you tell it, you own it; it's only a small matter of connecting hte brain synapse. Rule #8 is ...Turn into an entrepreneur. What product or service is needed? Write your own business plan. Simple at first, one paragraph describing the idea will do, then refine it, expand it, talk to trusted friends, network and maybe you can turn it into a real business. Look for people with similar ideas and tastes. Go to a museum. Expand your options and you'll expand your mind. I guarantee you'll fall in love with the new you.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Suddenly singles VS. Long time single : What are the rules?

Years ago, younger singles were very influenced by fairly tales and grandmothers who said, "someday soon your true love will come along and you will get married, live in a beautiful house with a white picket fence, have a bunch of children and live happily ever after." Things have changed. Fairly tales and grandmothers are still around, but younger singles have many more options. More experienced and wiser parents have realized that the best thing you can teach your child is self-respect, self-confidence and never having to depend on anyone. Focus on a career, a business niche or a good job. Marriage and a family have taken a back seat to independence.

Is being a Long-Time Single a life choice or that you just haven't met the right person yet? I have met several extraordinary women who have never married. This category also included women who married the wrong person or married too young, divorced and never remarried.

Most claim to be happy with their "freedom." Some have gotten close, but couldn't close the deal. Most have told me that as they've grown comfortable in their own skin, the though of "taking care of somebody," compromising on too many issues, taking on additional responsibilities with baggage, where to live, and keeping two places are just creating too much of a change "in my comfortably happy lifestyle."

Some long-time singles have found the "one," but refuse to get married. Why bring in the lawyers and government? If we choose to end it, we will. We don't need divorce lawyers and a day in court to punish us emotionally and financially for choosing to move on. Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn have lived together as man and woman for many years, not husband and wife. They appear to have a wonderful relationship without that "License to Bind." It is a more modern way of behavioral relationships. I know a few older gentlemen who believe asking a woman to marry, giving her a ring, their name and "legitimizing" the relationship is the optimal expression of love. I also know some older women who feel that only marriage morally legitimized their sexual behavior together. "What would the children, the neighbours, and the friends think if we're sleeping together and not married? It's a sin!"

Whether by death or divorce, the Suddenly Single have the burden of dealing with the loss of a spouse. I have deted a few women who have suffered the loss of a loved one, endured a substantial time for mourning, then got encouraged by friends and relatives to "get out there." Some are ready; many are not.

A cab driver heard from his single male passenger that the passenger just played golf and had a hole-in-one. THe cab driver said, "Congratulations, but I know a guy named Harold who got a hole-in-one at least once a month. Harold was also a championship tennis player who played in the U.S. Open, was an award-winning ballroom dancer, a gourmet chef, an accomplished musician who wrote dozens of songs, played ten instruments perfectly, was perhaps the world's greatest lover, made millions in the stock market and millions more in his business. " The passenger was amazed. Who is this incredible guy? Do you really know him? "He passed away," the cab driver said, "I've never met him, but my wife was married to him."

Some people never get over their loss. They tend to compare their current date with the embellished memory of their dearly departed. Unfortunately, no one can measure up.

Rule #2 is ...A bit of advice - if you're the spouse of the dearly departed, be aware that no one wants to hear about him or her repeatedly. You can say we visited there, or we saw that show, but try hard to keep your mourning private. And if you're the date, keep your antennae at full mast. If it seems that they mention their lost spouse too often, they probably are still in mourning. If it doesn't diminish, they are not quite ready for a new person in their life.