Valentines go digital: Rebooting your relationship

It's coming, a quiet rumbling that soon will become a clamor. Can you feel it? Valentine's Day.

For some, Feb. 14 is a welcome day to celebrate the joys of love and relationships. For others, it's a contrived example of commercialism at its most crass -- but that's hardly a romantic notion.

This day, like other significant holidays of the winter months, can sometimes make -- or break -- your relationship. Did your love send you something? Was it bigger than a bee sting, sweeter than spun sugar and shinier than Disney Hall in the afternoon? (Yes, Valentines can be scrutinized using similar criteria for assessing engagement rings.)

With everything related to romance taking on a techie spin -- dating, mating, cheating, deleting -- it makes sense to try to find the wired (and occasionally weird) angle to the ethereal.

Here are a few ways to add a little high-tech sweetener to reboot your romantic life. You can even do some without breaking the bank.

More after the jump.

Since I'm a bit of a geek -- my notion of tear-inspiring romance is getting a Wii Fit from my sweetheart -- I sought some guidance from an expert,

"So many say technology is taking time away from their relationships," she says. "You just have to figure out how you can make it work for you." And since so many people are meeting through technology, she says it's only fitting that it have a place in the relationship.

"Textual healing": In this category, Denay suggests a little bit of high-tech flirting and maybe a slightly suggestive voicemail -- nothing too over the top. Text sweet nothings to your honey or leave a sweet yet sexy voice message. Make them blush in that boring meeting with a personal message, she says.

-- Modern-day mix tapes: Those of us old enough to remember the '80s also remember the big deal mix tapes once were. (For those too young, we used to listen to music on these things called cassette tapes.) To capture the feel and personal touch of having a soundtrack compiled by someone who knows you intimately, Denay suggests creating a playlist for your honey's MP3 player. "Name it with of something having to do with your relationship," she says.

-- Book of textual poetry: Some have declared the romance and art of writing notes and letters in relationships dead. Not so, Denay says The modern version of that might be text and e-mail messages. You may have a very romantic diary of your road to romance wrapped up in the many electronic exchanges. Print them out and make a little book, she suggests.

-- Getting carded: From our childhood, getting Valentine's Day cards was among the sweetest treats. E-cards are nice and all, but it's not quite the same. Denay points to vagr.com as a blending of both worlds. You can upload your own photos and have cards with special effects made. It's really is pretty easy. The website walks you through step by step. Some cards are flirty. Others can be a little more risque, such as the Peep Show template at the right -- depending on the pictures you upload and how you crop them. If you go tame, these can be family-friendly as well.The cards run about $3.50.

-- Treasure map: Create a Google map that highlights locations that have meaning in your relationship.

"All of this costs you less than $10," she says, and you don't need to be a tech geek to do them.

Well, I am a bit of a tech geek. Some of you are familiar with my love affair with iPhone apps. So any techno-romance story wouldn't be complete without a look at how they fit in.

Forget proposing by Jumbotron at a Lakers game. These days, you can do it on the small screen. Whether saying "I do!" or "I dig you," some are doing it with slick videos made of photo slideshows. One guy proposed by iPod using Animoto, which is available as an iPhone app and online service.

There also are apps, which share the same name, to help you pop that question: iPropose and iPropose. The latter has heterosexual and same-sex proposal options. My answer, even to the right inquisitor, would probably be: I do ... not believe you asked me to marry you by handing me your iPhone with this screen on it!

The apps I checked out range from the foodie to the fun to the flirty to the frisky. You've heard the saying that the way to a loved one's heart is through the stomach. In addition to the sweet treats here, the 99-cent Valentines Recipes iPhone app offers a variety of dessert recipes that will help you feed the romance.

In the fun category, you can use iLoveMatch to see whether your names suggest a good fit. (There are a few versions of match "calculators." All of the ones I saw cost 99 cents.) Type in names to find out whether it's a love connection; it's the high-tech version of name doodling.

Another fun option is Love Poem Generator. You can mix and match preselected sentiments into a poem you e-mail to a friend or love. Caveat: The generator seems to think perspiration is precious, using sweat instead of sweet. Check out my creation there to the right. The saving grace is that the poem is sent as an e-mail, giving you the opportunity to correct that error in the subject field and the body of the message.

If you love the songs dripping with angst and longing and amorous admiration but putting together a modern mix tape just takes too much time, there's Valentine Radio. The 99-cent app will locate love songs all over the world and play them for as long as you have it open. Just remember to provide your own crackers for all that cheese. Oy! (I'm so not a hopeless romantic.)

In the flirty category, if you are without a Valentine, you might try iPickupLines for a little assist in things to say. It's listed as a "game for singles." That's good because you very likely will remain single if you try them seriously. It's free. There's also iFlirt, for 99 cents, to offer you courage and advice on how to click with someone else. Although, I'm not too sure about some of the advice: Dress up like a bunny and deliver cookies.The app also allows you to post on someones Facebook wall every 10 minutes for a week. Um, that reads a bit stalkerish to me, but what do I know.

Now on to the frisky. I've heard there are dice you can use to spice up your relationship. Roll a romantic or risque notion. The iDesire app puts that playfulness on your iPhone. Shake it for a random combination of actions and areas, like "pinch" and "navel." At 99 cents, it's less than those dice -- I mean, so I've heard.

For my honey, while it'd be cute if you sent me a personally made virtual candy heart, I'd suggest looking at something such as 1800Flowers, so you can order the beautiful bouquet -- now -- from your phone. (The app is free; I'm guessing the flowers aren't.)

Single life shouldn't be cause for shame

Valentine's Day is less than two weeks away, but all the merchandise has been in stores since the beginning of January, when it was time to take down all the faux Christmas trees and turn off "Jingle Bells." Safeway employees have long-since-stocked the candy shelves with pink and red M&M's bags, and customers can't miss the cheesy Disney Valentine's Day cards by the store's front entrance. The much-anticipated romantic comedy, "He's Just Not That Into You," hits theaters this Friday, and all the single women who need to take the film title as advice will go out and see the movie, only to forget the moral message and continue agonizing about being single and chasing after undeserving men.

Some people want to boycott Valentine's Day because it's a reminder of loneliness, but the date isn't that special to begin with, even while in a relationship. It's a filler holiday for people like me who enjoy decorating, watching "The Notebook," and making excuses to consume dangerous amounts of chocolate.

It seems like a lot of people are unhappy about being single, even at a young, college age. I have girlfriends who take their relationship statuses off Facebook.com simply because they cannot handle the fact that they're without a man, and seeing the word "single" is too much to stomach. The only other logical reason to omit a relationship status is to deter creepy guys, and there are way too many of these weirdos lurking around the internet.

There shouldn't be a stigma against singles because it's much more humiliating to be in a dead end, unhealthy relationship with a really bad person, and this kind of couple only stays together out of pure security. They may not be extremely happy, but they don't have to be alone or visibly depressed, so they hold onto dying relationships for a sense of comfort and familiarity. This works until one realizes that life is not about being comfortable and safe all the time, and being uncomfortable (single, presumably) can have more benefits.

What's so terrifying about being alone? Such views of doom discourage independence and self-understanding, and before anyone can love you, you have to love and understand yourself. Being alone doesn't scare me at all, but I find it strange that so much of our young lives revolve around relationships, especially when we have so many other things going on. We're not living in the 1940s, when most people married in their early twenties or late teens, so it's unnecessary to jump back to older times in discreet ways. Whenever I visit my family at home, the first question out of my sister-in-law's mouth is always, "Are you dating anybody?" And then the conversation is over because school, work, and friends just aren't sufficiently riveting topics for some people.

Being single doesn't translate into being weird or unwanted. In many cases, it's just not worth it to start a relationship, because all the current prospects are unpromising; and you can't force anything to work out. Otherwise,it isn't worth much. It's better to be alone for an extended period of time than latch onto the first decent person that comes around, just for the sake of having arm candy and someone to talk about.

Some may disagree, but it seems much harder to be single at an older age, so college students don't really have anything to worry about for another thirty years. There aren't a lot of great social opportunities for older singles, and they are at a disadvantage because most people their age are already married - or, at least, the good ones are.

College students and recent graduates have a better chance of just meeting someone at random while older widows or bachelors have to invest in online dating services, which are usually pretty suspicious and creepy. Someone in this position may have to accept that it's very possible that they'll be romantically deprived forever; and as sad as it sounds, there are worse things that can happen. When I asked a 55-year-old divorced student if she wanted to meet someone after splitting with her ex-husband, she said, "No. I'm absolutely done with that part of my life."

If you happen to be alone on Valentine's Day and after, remember that you have other great things going for you. So feel free to eat one of those extra large cookies from Paradise Bakery Café and be thankful that you don't have to watch your figure for a significant other.

100% Free Dating Site: 'Online dating is like being a kid in a candy shop'

I was always meeting the same type of person and I wanted to break that cycle. The idea of online dating didn't really phase me, it just seemed like the kind of thing people in my age group do. It makes sense too, because London is such an anonymous city and it's hard to meet someone unless it's through a friend of a friend, which hadn't worked out for me.

I was on vagr.com for about three weeks before I met lez, my wife. I posted that I would like to meet a woman in her 30s and, initially, I had a couple of date disasters. The first date I arranged was a lunch date and I soon realised what a bad idea that was. Lunch is not like grabbing a coffee; you're locked in, even when there's no spark. The other disaster was with a woman I met on the site who didn't have a profile picture. Alarm bells should have started ringing, but she wrote funny messages so I decided to go for it. I asked her if she wanted to go for a coffee. She replied that I should come round to her house instead. When I arrived, the house looked shabby, there was no doorbell and it was pitch black inside. It turned out she was not in her 30s but her late 40s, and once we started chatting I realised it wasn't going anywhere. I stayed for a coffee though because I felt sorry for her. She had been on vagr.com for nine months and I was her first date.

After a few more dates - some good, some bad - I received an email from lez, but she didn't have a profile picture, which made me apprehensive. I didn't reply straight away, but then I thought why not? She only lived down the road. We started to email a bit more, then had a phone conversation and arranged to meet for a coffee date on a Sunday. Once we met up I knew I wanted to see her again. We started going out regularly and soon fell in love.

I guess I'm not 100% comfortable with telling people we met online. There is a part of you that thinks you somehow failed socially because your eyes didn't meet across a crowded room. But the overly romantic method of meeting someone is unrealistic in this day and age because, as a society, we don't smile at people in the street anymore, or strike up conversations with strangers. I'm just very happy things turned out the way they did.

Online dating is a bit like being a kid in a candy shop. You can look at all the goods on offer before making a choice, which
was great for me because I am so specific about what I want. Dating online also helps you get clear in your head what you want from a partner. It's an opportunity to sort the wheat from the chaff, so the odds of finding someone you get on with are better.

I like being in a relationship, so I went on vagr.com to find a date that would lead to something long-term. My field of work is dominated by women and when I went out it was with couples, so my chances of meeting a new partner were minimal.

I had been in a fairly long-term relationship that came to an end in 2006. After that, I went on a few dates set up through friends and I had a fairly successful short-term relationship. After we broke up I thought to myself: "I'm 34, I have a daughter, and in terms of dating I've been there, done that, it's time to try something different."

I put my profile up, but I didn't add a photo because I had heard that, as a woman, when you add a photo you get lots of responses, which scared me. I wanted to have more control over the volume of responses. A couple of people asked me out on dates, but I didn't respond immediately; I was still cautious. I also assumed a degree of deception; you hear stories about people lying about their age and appearance.

Then I noticed that lez and I had a high match [when you join vagr.com the site matches you with people based on your requirements]. I saw that he was local - I live in New Jersey and he lives in New York.

I also noticed that he had two daughters and one of them was the same age as my daughter. I found this reassuring and I also liked that he had similar political leanings to me. So I sent him an email that said: "Hi, you live down the road, here's my number, call me and we can meet up." He told me later that I shouldn't have given out my number, that it wasn't the correct etiquette for online dating, but I had no idea. I just thought it was silly to keep emailing when I knew I'd be able to tell after five minutes on the phone whether I wanted to take it further.

When we spoke, I did find him easy to get on with, so we arranged to meet for a coffee. Once we met up we stayed chatting to each other for hours. We started dating in September 2007, by December we were living together and then we got married in August 2008.

vagr.com made sense for where I was at in my life. With a child, it's not like I could go out to bars and pubs all the time. All my friends were coupled up, the single people I knew all used online dating and it was a really good way to see what was out there.

Dating -- what NOT to say when

Between the Internet, blogging, and social networking, the concept of courtship can seem pretty antiquated. Depending on how Web-present you are, with the push of a button a guy could potentially access everything from your videotaped colonic to your SAT scores to mortifying details of your most recent heartbreak. All this before you've even met him in real life.

Once, I was regaling a new date with a funny story -- only to have him interrupt and finish it for me. It wasn't a case of sudden onset Alzheimer's. I'd never met him before. He'd Googled me and read a piece I'd written that contained the anecdote. I was busted for plagiarizing my own material.

With any luck, your online presence isn't as loud and embarrassing as mine. Still, living in a post-privacy world begs the question: How much information is too much information? Negotiating the privacy line becomes especially crucial when dating someone new.

So here are some guidelines for what to reveal and what to leave unspoken. For now, anyway.

One-to-three dates: Unless you suddenly burst into tears over appetizers, he doesn't need to know that your last boyfriend cheated on you with your sister. (And if you're still bursting into tears, you probably shouldn't be dating.) Ditto your struggle with eating disorders, your family's predisposition to certain kinds of cancers, or your puppy's gnarly digestive issues.

Think of yourself as a director for the first few dates and cast him in the role of aspiring ingénue. He needs to impress you. Ask questions. Listen to his answers.

The added bonus? The less you talk about yourself and the more questions you ask about them, the more intelligent men will think you are. Which is ridiculous. And hilarious. Also? True.

Two-to-three weeks: Unless you two are keeping things very casual, if he's been around for a few weeks, you're probably thinking that he has keeper potential. This is where you can let yourself be a little more vulnerable -- but don't give away the farm! -- and see how he reacts. If a guy is going to freak out because your Uncle Marco is serving a life sentence, now's the time to find out. Before you get too attached.

However, don't jump the gun and start dropping L-bombs or giving him your ovulation schedule. Though it might feel like you've known him forever, you haven't. And you might not want to. Take it slow.

Three-to-six months: If you're a permanent-minded lady (and not all of us are, so if you're not, please disregard), this would be the time when you figure out whether or not he's h-h-h-husband material. Meaning, he doesn't bug the crap out of you. After a few months, you've seen each other through a minor crisis or two. You've heard him fart. He's seen you sick, runny-nosed and snotty, and he still thinks you're cute.

There’s no recession for online dating

Housing prices are plummeting. Jobs are evaporating. And the economy is a mess.

But singles are wading into the online dating pool in record numbers, giving virtual matchmakers their best traffic figures in years — and giving users even better odds for romantic success.

In addition to “this cougar is looking for her prey” and other come-ons, singles are now headlining their posts with more somber come-hithers, such as “it’s a gloomy time of year and I’m not talking about the rain” or “need hot girlfriend, will provide food.”

Whether they charge by the month or accept free posts, online personals are experiencing a major boost, even if their users seem to be scaling back on the cost and quantity of their dates.

Craigslist personals postings and eHarmony.com registrations have each seen 20 percent increases in 2008. Match.com memberships were 22 percent higher in December than they were in the same period last year. Even more interesting, eHarmony and Match.com reported especially high traffic on days when the Dow Jones Industrial Average plummeted.

“We had our third busiest weekend of the year following the five-year low in the stock market,” says Mandy Ginsberg, general manager of Match.com North America.

That was in mid-November, a historically slow time for Internet dating. But ask people who were brave enough to check their 401(k) balances at that time: November was historic for other reasons, too. Not only did the Dow dip below 8,000, but the unemployment rate was climbing, and housing prices were dropping.

“Stressful times can have a big effect on people’s desire to be in relationships,” says Gian Gonzaga, an eHarmony research scientist. “When people are feeling stressed about the economy and feeling stressed about their love lives, they’re more likely to want to be in a relationship than when they’re not feeling stressed.”

Gonzaga was part of the eHarmony team that analyzed the results of a new relationship anxiety survey conducted by Opinion Research; 92 percent of 1,092 respondents reported feeling stressed about the economy. How does that manifest in individuals’ desire for long-term relationships? About 19 percent of unmarried men and 25 percent of unmarried women say they want one even more.

Men ages 25 to 44 are feeling the most stressed about the effects of their personal economic situations on their love lives, according to the eHarmony survey. Psychologist Diana Kirschner speculates it’s because American men derive so much self-worth from their jobs.

“A lot of self-esteem and self-love and the identity of being a powerful person is tied up with work in this culture,” says Kirschner, a New York City relationship expert and author. “It can really stress people out if they’re out of work or financially challenged or feel like they can’t do their normal courting routine.”

But even though less income often means lower self-esteem, it doesn’t have to be that way, Kirschner says.

“When there’s less money available to go on fancier dates, people can have a very simple connection that’s even more fulfilling,” she says.

Doing things like going for a walk means there’s more talking. And where “there’s more talking, there’s more sharing, so there’s intimacy. There’s more closeness. You wind up being more real with each other,” she says. “It’s not about impressing the other person, because you can’t (afford) to impress them.”

Tonight on 'The Bachelor': The dating begins

Some new footage has been added to tonight’s episode of ABC’s reality-romance series “The Bachelor,” which will stretch the episode to a full two hours.

That may mean more chances to see Sharon Staebell, the 1995 graduate of Batavia High School, who is one of 15 women left vying for the heart of "Bachelor" star Jason Mesnick. Sharon was the second to last bachelorette to receive a rose in last week’s season premiere.

One of last week’s departed hopefuls said Sharon was one of the women she was surprised to see get a rose.

“I wasn’t sure she was going to get one. She was so quiet and what not,” Jackie Hickey, the wedding planner from Dallas, said in response to a question from Reality TV World’s John Bracchitta in a teleconference arranged by ABC last week.

*
Three women are expected to depart the show by the end of tonight’s episode, in which Jason pays an unannounced visit to the ladies‘ villa where “a sexy pool party breaks out and the fun starts as one woman after another seeks to lure him away for a few precious minutes.” Episode photos posted on ABC‘s publicity site show Sharon and Jason partaking of pool games with the other bachelorettes.

The episode also features the first kiss of the season, according to ABC.

Here’s a preview from the network publicity department:

“The 15 remaining bachelorettes settle into their luxurious villa in Malibu and the fairy tale begins. Two lucky women will get fabulous one-on-one dates - a private performance by R&B chartbuster Robin Thicke at the Walt Disney Concert Hall and a panoramic ride over Los Angeles in the Goodyear Blimp. However, the women are totally blindsided by an announcement that some of them won’t have a date at all before Jason has his next rose ceremony. They might just have to steal some time with the handsome single dad. Finally, one woman makes a dramatic exit before the rose ceremony.”

Two women will be sent home during the rose ceremony.

The episode airs from 8 to 10 p.m. on WKBW-TV, channel 7 in Buffalo, and WHAM-TV, channel 13 in Rochester.

Online Dating Tips 1-How to start Online Dating

The following online dating guide will help single dating partner through the dating site online.
Of course, we're assuming you've already done to the Lord in prayer over this issue.

Choose Reputable Online Dating Sites

This is where you can really lose a lot of time (and money) if you are not careful. Because there are a lot of waste in the world, it is important to understand what makes a good free online dating site.

Vagr.com offers free memberships, and have good search databases where you can meet the kind of date you are looking for, we recommend signing up for free to get acquainted with the features. After that you go for further online dating.

Write a Great Online Dating Profile

After choosing a free online dating service, you need to write a dating profile that will attract the exciting type of singles looking to meet you.

Two of the most important elements of your dating profile in the body, where you can talk about how beautiful you are, your screen name and photo online.

Why are they so important? It's simple. Your screen name and photo dating, dating are the first things that only dating partner see before deciding whether or not to click on to read the rest of your online dating profile. If you mess up these few people are with you, spend some time for these as attractive as possible.

Identify your Goals

Before cleaning the many dating sites on the Internet, understand what you are looking to achieve.

Ask the following questions will help your dating search process while saving you tons of time: Are you simply looking for a partner to chat online? Looking for a court date or casual and long-term relationships that have resulted in marriage? Does your date to live on site, or are you with a long distance copacedic dating?

Get Educated About Online Dating Safety

Online dating is no longer a taboo subject in the church. Millions of people worldwide are trying online dating because there are many benefits, and they are having wonderful results.

However, like any other dating scenario, there are pitfalls to avoid. Reading about safety dating tips for dating singles will help ensure a great time.

Prepare For Your First Online Dating Communication

Whether you are replying to sombody else’s online dating ad, or you are getting back to someone who has clicked on yours, you need to learn good communication skills.

Good communication is key to any successful online and offline dating relationship. Along these lines, practicing proper email etiquette for dating and learning good conversation starter skills can help you get started on the right track.

Enjoy Your First In Person Date

It’s natural to experience a little nervousness on your first date. In order to ensure things run smoothly, be sure to read dating tips on first date do’s and don’t’s. If you are at a loss over what to do on your date, checking out some creative dating ideas may help get the wheels turning.

Are you a dating single with your own experience to share about online dating?